Can it wait for a bit?
by SinceILeftYou
Summary: We all know what Garrus is really up to when he claims to be doing his 'calibrations'. Oneshot crack.


**A/N: Happy new year readerlings! Here is a little something I wrote for you all instead of sleeping. **

**And I'll warn you now; this isn't the most in character thing you'll ever read this year (not that it's trying to be). Enjoy!**

**And yes, Bioware own pretty much everything mentioned here, as well as a magical ability to insert visual and audial crack cocaine into their games, an IOU note for my soul and some cookies. Double chocolate chip ones ^^**

* * *

Garrus was kneeling on the ground, the sensors which he had installed beeped to tell him someone was approaching the door. That means he had about thirty seconds. Crap.

Shepard held her hand up to the door, in a motion ready to knock. Screw it, she was the Commanding Officer of this whole charade, if she wanted to burst in then she damn well could.

"Garrus... have you got a minute?"

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm..."

Garrus racked his brain for an excuse.

"I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"Really? What kind of calibrations?"

"Really difficult ones, ones where I shouldn't be disturbed at any cost. In case I make a mistake and the gun... uh... misfires and hits a school. A school for underprivileged, orphans who'd have nowhere else in the Galaxy left to go."

"Oh come on, as if I'm supposed to believe that."

"Did I forget to mention that the orphans are blind, Commander?"

"No you did not mention that, not that it matters." Shepard folded her arms "I still don't believe you."

"Don't you have other stuff to do? Like listen to one of Zaeed's stories or slay a reaper?"

"Nope, nothing comes to mind. I could stand here all day if I wanted to."

"What about flirt with Jacob? Last thing I heard that was something you couldn't resist-"

"That's enough Vakarian."

"Am I over stepping the bounds? What about if it was _Jacob_ standing here overstepping your bounds, would you be complaining quite so much?"

"Garrus, please."

"Really? You know you can just leave anytime you want, nobody is forcing you to stand here listening to me."

"Well as a part of my duty as Commanding Officer of this ship I like to get _involved _with my crew. Get to know them, know how to get under their skin, learn what makes them _tick_... tell me Garrus, when was the last time you went on a date?"

"Oh, you did not just go there. Well then, let me think... there was the time when this beautiful woman - absolutely enchanting, you must meet her – took me with her to a hospital on Tuchunka. Aside from the odd Krogan threatening to kill me and horrible scenery, I had a simply magical time."

"You flatter me."

"It's what I'm here for. Well, that and saving orphans lives."

"Alright fine, I'll let you get back to work; besides, if I stayed any longer someone might think there was something a little more than calibrations going on in here..."

"Only in your dreams Commander."

"No, I'm fairly sure that kind of stuff goes strictly in the nightmare cabinet."

"You wound me."

"And you love it."

"You know me so well Shepard, anyone would think your death was an elaborate ruse so that we could spend two beautiful and interrupted years together." He took a step towards her, wrapping his hand arm around her waist. "All alone..."

"Okay, you're kind of creeping me out now Garrus. I'm leaving.

"Rejection from my own Commander, I'd spend the rest of this evening crying if it weren't for all these damned calibrations..."

"You do that. We're all meeting for dinner at six by the way, and don't think you're off the hook. I _will_ find out what you're up too sooner or later."

Garrus flashed his mandibles at her. "You do that."

Okay she was gone at long last, he could continue. He knelt back down on the floor and opened up his omni-tool.

"Vaeledria? Do you copy? This is Hamil. Are you still there?"

"I can hear you, but I think you must have accidently knocked the video link out of sync."

"Okay... hold on a second."

He fiddled with the omni-tools controls and Tali's face popped up on the screen.

"There we go."

"Orphans? Really? Was that the best you could think up?"

"I'd like to see you do any better."

"I told Shepard that I would be cleaning out the engines all day, so I doubt she'll be round to bother me."

"Good. Shall we continue?"

"Gladly."

Garrus pressed a few buttons on his omni tool and a holographic board appeared, complete with pieces.

"And I can tell that you're still laughing under your helmet, Vaeledria."

"I'm sorry but... magical calibrations which save orphans lives? That is the worst excuse I have ever heard, no wonder she thinks you're up to something."

"Laugh it up, I only need to slay this alpha troll and I level up."

"Sure but the master thief stole your weapons three turns ago and the only other options are the enchanted sword on a high shelf or to just slap it to death. No offense Hamil, but your melee attack points have been left fairly neglected.

"All for a good reason, young one. You see, I have something which can't be learnt, something which just _is_..."

"Just spit it out already."

"It's something far more important than melee. You know what they call it? _Reach_. And thanks to that, I only need to roll an even number and the sword on the shelf is _mine._"

"I swear to Neema, the rules in these Turian role playing games..."

Garrus rolled a 14.

"Well, if it's any consolation, your flexibility score is hardly something to be sniffed at. Speaking of which, as it turns out I have found the sword of flexibility, which allows me to combine my flexibility and attack points. I believe that gives me an ample amount to kill the troll; it also happens makes me more attractive to any Turian males I meet in game. That could come in handy."

"Hamil, you do know Shepard is standing right behind you."

"What did we agree Tali? If we're ever compromised, we drop the names."

"Sorry." She squeaked.

"And how long were you standing there for?"

"Reach and flexibility? That's so not hot; I'm beginning to get why you haven't had a date in however long..."

"Yes, I'm as barren as the sands of Palaven, thank you very much for pointing that out. You've also found out my dirty little secret it seems, however did you manage it?"

"Well, I knew something was up because you left your omni tool on and I could hear weird noises coming from it; by the way Tali, that's a very clean engine you got there."

"Thanks."

"I only had to do a quick scan of the system to find your little device, have EDI disable it and I was free to come sneak up behind you as I pleased."

"It's always nice to see a Commanding Officer striving to maintain a nice, open and trusting relationship with her crew."

"Almost as nice as it is to see a crew willing to go the extra mile for their mission by slacking off to play board games."

"Well the thing is me and Garrus were planning to go into the briefing room, lock the door and have sex today, but it seems two people who sounded _suspiciously_ like you and Jacob had already beaten us to it."

"Busted..." Garrus muttered under his breath.

"But of course I know that the great Commander Shepard, one so dedicated to her cause, wouldn't dream of doing something like that. I simply assumed it must have been Zaeed and Grunt..."

"Or Kelly and Jack. You know what I love about that? It's so _likely_..."

"What about Miranda and herself?"

"And there was me thinking she was uptight..."

"Okay, okay, you two jokers have made your point. Still, I suppose to see some of the crew getting on; I swear if I have to break up one more fight between Jack and Miranda..."

"Hey Tali."

"Yeah?"

"I'll bet you 50 credits it was Miranda and Jack in there."

"You're on."

"I'm sorry, but can you get Dr Chakwas in here? I think I may have just split my sides with laughter..."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit Shepard." Garrus chimed.

"It's not, is it?"

"Tali, can you go get Mordin? I think that comeback just blew my mind."

"What was that about sarcasm again Garrus?"

"Well I was being sarcastic with my sarcasm, obviously."

"You know what, I think I may leave you two lovers alone." Tali closed the video link. "Besides, I have an engine to clean..."

She disconnected.

"Garrus..."

"Yes Shepard?"

"You can stand up now."

"Right."

"So what are you going to tell the orphans when we blow up their school because you were too busy roleplaying to calibrate?"

"I'm going to tell them that the most bedazzling, beautiful and amazing woman swept me off my feet and took me on a hot date to a clinic infested with plague which affects Turians to try to convince a really old Salarian with a hyperactive disorder that he should join our suicide cause."

"And when that doesn't work?"

"We run; I hear orphans have very sharp teeth."

"I wouldn't let Jack hear you say that..."

"Commander, Jack doesn't need sharp teeth to scare me."

"Just like you don't need to call me bedazzling, beautiful and amazing to make me fall head over heels in love you?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Relax Vakarian, I'm getting you back for earlier."

"Yes, because that would be weird."

"Very weird."

There was an awkward pause.

"I should probably... you know... go."

"Yeah, I have... stuff to do. Endangered species lives depend on it."

"I'm sure the blue whale will personally thank you for sitting down and surfing the extranet for five hours."

"And I'm sure Jacob will personally thank you for surfing _him _for five hours..."

Shepard smacked Garrus on the arm.

"What? Was it something I said?"


End file.
